Happy 2013

so much has changed in a yr, last yr this time, i was back from a trip from a pretty place with a very lovely travelmate, and back to the place i called home for the past 5 yrs and people i lived with and cared for.

this yr, im alone sitting in my rented room, watching movie and missing my past good life. So much had changed, im a working adult with responsibilities now, i might not like everything that had happened to me, but i hv the responsibility to find my happiness.

May this year be a good and healthy year to all whom I cared for and myself and may God bless every one of us abundantly.

christmas

i miss u, christmas;
and i miss u, white christmas

i miss

despite getting used to the life now more and more each day i still miss UK life so so so much :( i guess ntg can replace that

new phase of life

officially started this,
a reminder to self:

MUST NOT FORGET TO PRACTISE ALL THE GOOD THAT I HAD KNOWN

the road not taken

mixed feeling, hope this is for the best

hypocrite

though i pity the way how u live and treat ppl, but urghh stay away from me i dun believe in waht u were saying

人生

如梦但非梦

omo omo omo

task for today probably is running up adn down to letterbox til office hour ovaaaaa :SSSSS

oh no

this power drill from somewhere above been disturbing my hearing and peace since morning, for 2 days in a row, pls stop arrrgghh im gonna be deaf soon!

a better life

stil cant adjust
i want a better life and wil continue to hope for one

weird attitude

was waiting around at a corner,

saw a middle aged man, buying pears, he digged and digged, perhaps looking for the best, and then as he continued digging, he coughed, without shielding his mouth etc, just coughed straight onto the pears, then after a while I still see him digging and searching, and then he accidentally dropped the whole top tray of pears onto the floor, he picked them up back into the tray and left them by the side, and I saw in his trolley, there were only about 4 pears...

then while waiting at the cashier, I saw a cleaner, holding a mop in one hand, and trying to peel the sticker on the floor with another, such a hard worker I thought to myself, who would have bothered about that sticker, it seemed a bit difficult to remove the sticker (actually a price tag) so eventually he gave up and continue with his floor mopping, I saw a tissue in front of him and thought oh is he gonna pick it up, he didn't apparently, he used his mop to cover it, wow a new tactic i tot to myself, and with a swift movement, 'mopped' it to the bottom of a nearby cashier counter, the tissue considered cleared...

清晨的翅膀

主耶和華 祢已經鑒察了我
我坐下 我起來 祢都已曉得
我行路 我躺臥 祢都細查
祢也深知我一切所行
我舌頭上的話
祢沒有一句不知道
祢在我前後環繞著我
按手在我身上
這樣的奇妙 是我不能測透
祢的至高 祢的尊貴
是我永遠不能所及
我可以往 哪裡去躲避祢的靈
我可以往哪裡去逃 可躲避祢的面
我若展開清晨的翅膀
飛到地極 就在那裡
祢的雙手也必引導我
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k2n8KtiQLI&feature=related

no one can understand another person completely, yet You alone know us all, inside out, even more than ourselves :)



p/s:
耶和華啊，我舌頭上的話，你沒有一句不知道的。你在我前後環繞我­，按手在我身上。這樣的知識奇妙，是我不能測的，至高，是我不能­及的。(詩篇 139:4-6)
我若展開清晨的翅膀，飛到海極居住， 就是在那裡，你的手必引導我；你的右手也必扶持我。(詩篇 139:9-10)

the thing with them

never before
never will be
never wanted to
so be it

a call

a surprised and inspiring one ^.^ which gv me new insights into work and life, thank you!

worst sounds in the world

Taken from yahoo news:
 
The worst sounds in the world

1. Knife on a bottle

2. Fork on a glass

3. Chalk on a blackboard

4. Ruler on a bottle

5. Nails on a blackboard

6. Female scream

7. Anglegrinder

8. Brakes on a cycle squealing

9. Baby crying

10. Electric drill

LOL at items 6 and 9  XD totally agree!

I MISS EUROPE

miss the lifestyle
miss the people
miss the food
miss my many trips
miss being a student in london
miss the different cultures
miss the independence
miss the convenience
miss the building as laoma said
so so so miss!!
p/s: ama , and the weather too lol! alot indeed!

smart phone

well i guess it's reli important

right an aim after i earn my salary

101012

the first was a hokkien song learnt in sunday school last time xD, 

the second was a song shared by a friend.

nice! 

牵我的手 
我的主啊 
请你不离开我 
这条路 
我搁要行 
我需要你来作伴
 
牵我的手 
我的主啊 
请你不离开我 
有时我会惊 
有时不知按怎行 
有时干那听不着你的声 

牵我的手 
请你甲我作伴 
互我的脚步又稳又定 
走到你的门前 
听着你的声 
甲我讲：
入来我的子！ 

牵我的手 
我的主啊 
请你不离开我 
这条路 
我搁要行 
我需要你来作伴
 
牵我的手 
我的主啊 
请你不离开我 
有时我会惊 
有时不知按怎行 
有时干那听不着你的声 

牵我的手 
请你甲我作伴 
互我的脚步又稳又定 
走到你的门前 
听着你的声 
甲我讲：
入来我的子！ 

牵我的手 
请你甲我作伴 
互我的脚步又稳又定 
走到你的门前 
听着你的声 
甲我讲：
入来我的子！ 

牵我的手 
请你甲我作伴 
互我的脚步又稳又定 
走到你的门前 
听着你的声 
甲我讲：
入来我的子！ 

走到你的门前 
听着你的声 
甲我讲：
入来我的子！ 

(2)

这一生漂泊尝尽苦痛

失去太多　始终辛苦生活

还好有你不嫌弃我　情愿淡泊

甘心在我身旁守候　从无怨尤

在这被人遗忘的角落

远离尘忧　你我安静相守

虽然上天注定要你　一世沉默

我们用暗语交流　深情相通

这一生我只牵你的手

尽管喜乐与哀愁永远如此沉默

这一生我只牵你的手

因为今生有你早已足够

这一生我只牵你的手

只求坚心相守更胜世人欢情若梦

这一生我只牵你的手

你是否也和我相同

The Watches of the Night

I look towards the wintering trees
To hush my fretful soul
As they rise to face the icy sky
And hold fast beneath the snow
Their rings grow wide, their roots go deep
That they might hold their height
And stand like valiant soldiers
Through the watches of the night
No human shoulder ever bears
The weight of all the world
But hearts can sink beneath the ache
Of trouble’s sudden surge
Yet far beyond full knowing
There’s a strong unsleeping light
That reaches round to hold me
Through the watches of the night
I have cried upon the steps that seem
Too steep for me to climb
And I’ve prayed against a burden
I did not want to be mine
But here I am and this is where
You’re calling me to fight
And You I will remember
Through the watches of the night
You I will remember
Through the watches of the night 

"Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer"
Music by Keith Getty; Words by Margaret Becker
Copyright © 2002 Thankyou Music http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIyXwldPup4

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's test,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial                                 
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

P.M.S

had had one of the worst headache which continued til this morn except when i eventually fell asleep, for that few hours, bad bad pms, also made me thought of all the negative things..
this is also not helping with the need to function normally in front of the others, the long distance problem caused by o2, cant they be more efficient and do wat i asked since months ago??? inefficient should hv just terminate any transaction with them and worry about the future later!! grrrr
and also the open burning of rubbish behind and the ash burning smell from those 'moon' worshippers around, adding intensity to my head banging and throbbing.

heard about the death of my close friend's doggie, may she recover soon. separation is always difficult, esp a permanent one, sighh...

life-time-money-faith I NEED YOU

remorse

sometimes i still feel that whenever i tot of the possibility of having another kind of life elsewhere BIG SIGH

morning

these 2 mornings, i realised that my bowel activity is back to how it used to be when i was in London. Hope it lasts! so 5 a day is defo important, tho i did it the first morning but not the second, nevertheless, shall make sure im not lazy! ^^

manage to solve a sudoku that i din manage few days ago, it gv me a sense of satisfaction ;))

p/s: why o why rain everyday, it's hard to dry the laundry

peace and happiness

I guess in order to be happy I need to recognize the source of true happiness and look upon the One who can gv me peace beyond understanding, but does sitting on the fence help?

trying to move on, accept what I cant change, and change what I can, I guess.

ahhhh chiuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

one of the many reasons i miss uk:

i think the weather and the dust in malaysia hate me, my old disease is back, ah choooooooo everyday.. and oredi had 2 bouts of flu since im back, in less than 2 months, gahhhh

and yesterday i sneeze non stop whole day, today slightly less but stil *worried*

miss my room in london

a lot of times i just wana SHOUT.OUT.LOUD that I.CANT.STAND.YOU!!!!!

the past

i tot with time things'd changed, people'd changed, but why do the ghost of the past keep haunting me?

far away

it's hard to say goodbye to 5 years of good life *sobs*

drawing near part 1

is the end of my five year of uni in the UK, one of the most important and life changing phase in my life.

Time is not being very merciful, it just slips away continuously before i realised that it's so dark and a day has come to its end. now leaving behind 14 days before my ultimate byebye to this land (well at least as far as im concern)

so what hv i been up to, im not reli sure i guess, jsut wasted alot of time trying to figure out how to pack my stuffs and ended up in front of the computer playing games, sim social mall world tetris battle are u smarter than a 5th grader and lately castle ville.

but on the memorable and meaningful note:

1st June- results day (Hallelujah) and Grad ball
2nd-3rd June - hang out with Sarene and JJ, good meal, not bad movie, best company :D badminton session after a yr of no exercise and crammed with ppl in the rain to watch the queen, though we patah balik halfway hehe n hv dessert and meal instead
3rd-6th June- in Notts, visited lab and observed how to split cell, collected boxes for moving
7-8th June - full blast packing my stuffs and throwing alot of things away (but stil left behind alot more things), thts cos we were moving from the hall ive resided in for 5 yrs to another one in central london, nice area, a good ending, but hell was the packing, just not sth im good at (thanks to Sarah and Majin for helping me to move them and keep them)
9th- 13th June - ITALY trip, highlight of the month apart from the results day and grad ball when I first gained the title rightfully as a DR. visited venice (+burano and murano), pisa and rome. a very happenign trip: get lost, walked alot, awesome views and ppl, skin allergy, sunburnt, cough, saw CPR, saw the most magnificent basilica, etc etc.. but overall i missed the trip, wish i can go back there again..
14th June - spent the nite on 13th June at the airport and fire alarm!! lol firsttime ever, never thought theres fire alarm at an airport, not being a very good nite person, i slept more with my trip mate watching over our stuffs, reli appreciate that. but she did get some sleep in the bus i hope. once back, planned and baked my beloved mate's bday n her cake. wish to hv done it better but i guess tiredness got the better of me >.< thanks JJ for being such a great help here
15th June- potluck for Sarahs birthday, yummy chicken rice by Iman, and Sarah + Majin waved from their window during the Diamond Jubilee weekend, such coincidence!

decision

got the decision today, both times I asked for it, wonder if it's a fair and careful decision or just one to 'da fa' me. it's disappointing yet relieving. gonna get ready for the next phase and think for the good of the long run. just like most other, im subjected to it, but i think im doing the right thing, 人可负我，我不负人

nightmare

not of ghost or of murderer

but the feeling of being abandoned by someone u cared so much for is unbearable

RIP

despite everything,
may you rest in peace,
may our good and merciful God keep you.

will always rmb the story told tht when i was a baby still, you would help push my push chair when aunty was busy cooking.. and u were always kind, and even when u turned abit deaf and forgetful u stil rmb my name.. always frenly and always nice..

and may those who are alive, esp aunty, be comforted
and may us appreciate our loved ones more and do not procrastinate in showing care and love

Counting blessings

Thank you Abba Father for bringing me through it all :)
Hallelujah!

last

last viva ever (well formally as a bds student and not counting resit, SAY NO TO RESIT)

felt that i didnt do very well for the last viva,
and i got the specialty i feared most,
but after listening to the others about theirs,
i think i've got the best for me,
don't think i could do any better in the other specialty/scenario,
so thank God for this provision,
and let Your will be done on Friday..

p/s: tired but bu she de sleep lol

blessed

not sure how my first viva went (seen case)

ive done things that i think i should hv
and also done things that i think i shouldnt hv
and said the lamest thing

but so blessed to hv a good patient! he was there already waiting this morning when i arrive! and he got there 10 min earlier than the time i gv him to make sure that he's there! aww
thank God too for all these!

不舍得

one paper down, 2 more case presentations and vivas coming,
but suddenly, feel that i'm gonna miss this place and this life oredi

help me through these all

Proverbs 3:5-6 'Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths"

Philippians 4:6-7 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'
应当一无挂虑，只要凡事藉着祷告、祈求和感谢，将你们所要的告诉神。神所赐出人意外的平安，必在基督耶稣里保守你们的心怀意念。（腓立比书4：6-7）

The first quote was the one that had comforted me during my past big exams years ago.
and the second one was an encouraging msg that my 2 sis in Christ reminded me yesterday and today.

I've been slacking spiritually especially since this year, too absorbed in my worldly encounters, too focused on my worldly problem and the changes in myself (mostly bad ones), that I forgot to look up and realised that despite many difficulties many changes, the Creator, my Abba Father, whom I once trusted so much, remains the same.

I know I failed to trust God with all my heart, and I always seek to understand things my own way, I know I'm a person full of worries, worrying more than praying, I know currently I'm pretty dead in my situation, not confident at all for tmr and for next week, knowing how little I prepared and how little I rmb, spending most of the time feeling stressed and tired about clinical problems etc..
But one thing I also know, the same God who took care of me and made me sailed thru ever since I started schooling remain the same sovereign God who sit highly on the throne above, exalted above all things.

I'm not sure how tmr will come about and I'm not sure how I will perform next week, and I will defo be nervous beyond understanding on June 1st.
But right now I can only call out to You, rest in You and let Your will be done. Amen.

24 hours

gaaaaaaaaaa.
yesterday was a waste, stress and fear and uncertainty struck me leaving me dysfunctional and unproductive, oni  manage to read up a few pages @@ thinking of what i did not do nor did not rmb instead of charging forward, BAD...

keep reminding myself ythat today i must calm down, calm down, too late to stress too late to change anything, but at least do sth..

this was me yesterday:

morning

hate this feeling, when u open ur eyes in the morning, and u realise that the alarm hasn't gone off, and all you are thinking about is ur final patient @@

anu

7 yrs of comfortable and straight path (very clear and straight forward path to walk)
i used to know my life purpose (not dentistry of cos)
i knew what my short term aim was (to finish ib, to get a place in the uk uni, to grad and be a dentist)

somehow after being so sure for so long, i suddenly arrived at a junction, a junction of unknown, no one to be blamed, it was me who cari pasal..
- not knowing if i can pass my exams
- not knowing if i should just go back or fight for my very last strength to stay
- not knowing if to stay or to go back is the best for me
- not knowing this and that...

feel so lost suddenly...
and i dislike change...
esp if ive got so used to this current change now...

perhaps i should just make my decision based on morally upright and godly way, then life wil be so much easier.. should i?

6 days

mixed feelings

but one can only move on

one must be strong

to survive in my dental school....

today extra session:
- so many students but only a few tutors seen! terpaksa go to one that is famous for her favouritism since the others not around yet (well, she passed me on to another as she needs to stay with her own group, fair enough)
- tried in the crown, still high @@
- disinfect 10 min (but a kind nurse J helped me to do 6PPC instead, at least saved some time while waiting for disinfection)
- went to the lab (mrs B very kindly lead me to the boss of the crown and bridge lab, that reli saved me alot of trouble, and he said to go to the 'boys' next door for polishing work after i tried and adjusted chairside)
- before i can start adjusting, i had to get the Iwanson gauge from the store, and none of them know what it is @@ so I hv to drew it on a paper, spelt out the name and then describe what it is for - actually they dun reli know the name jsut call it divider then =.=
-  adjust abit, yay finally it fits, although stil a fraction higher but polishing shall do the work for me
- disinfect again n 6ppc
- went back to the lab, apparently i think A hates me, when i asked for his help, he said 'no' and asked me to go to C and went to another tutor, at least C's kind enough to refer me to another room, but it's still a 'no', so ended up in the crown and bridge room and the guy J directed me to the machine, and showed me the two stones, ROSA and ROUGE, apparently they are latin words, meaning pink and errr cant rmb, and then asked me to read the instruction on the wall and do it myself, i was arrgghh panicky, oredi 4pm! oh well, conclusion is i ended up polishing the crown on my own and i think i did a pretty good job (still thank to guy J i appreciate waht he's trying to teach me).. tip is: rubber all the way!! of cos the two stone-like objects as well, and the steam wash lol nearly burned my finger the second time forgetting that steam is hot
- back to clinic again and gonna cement it and omg cant find aquacem!! finally a nurse found it and mixed it for me, one whole floor and there's only one aquacem, i wana faint
- cemented and all is well
- went to let tutor check, and he siad what do u think do u like it u know u hv to be more confident....................................... lalalalaa, i know i did what i can, but i hvnt qualified, whats with the confidence thing, i stil need someone to check my work and then tell me it's fine then i can be confident!
- 15 mins left, quickly hand scale my patient's tooth, jsut tht particular front one tht bleed quite a bit and with obvious calculus (cant stand seeing calculus, always feel like scraping them away)
- the pooofff pt gone
- the only reassuring thing is the head tutor said he signed me up although i stil hv to do that 2 more crowns, but at least, i jsut try to do as much during extra clinic and wori about it after exam then
- oh and they ran out of slow handpiece and pros trim stand today,pooohhh what happened to here, and C very kindly reserve hers for me but she ended up needing it but at least she reli reserved it for me

11 days

when the others know what i dont, i will feel as if i dunno anything and will question myself what i've been doing all this while >.<

Disappointing but nvr too late to change ur mind

i hate myself

wish i hv higher EQ and IQ

2 weeks

and im dying @@

not sure what did i do before to put myself into today's situation >.< blame the stress, the clinics, the coursework......
so much to revise so much to do still OMG
the only reassurance i can find for myself, read as much as possible, by the time u reach finals, u might hv revised 50% adn if not enough and failed at least by resit u can read another 25-50% (cos it's only about 2 weeks apart) ...
aiskkk

职业病

feel like an old lady, getting aches everywhere
- headache
- neck pain
- upper back pain

and i hvnt even completed my training and havent even started working...
cant imagin how it will be when i work 8/9-5 in the future

stresssssss

aisk  very very stressed @.@
how did i let myself into this situation at such crucial moment?

revised so little for such an important exam
always stressed about not finishing requirements and final patients their reports
always feel tired after a long day at clinic/lab
cant focus in what im reading and keep forgetting what ive read already
not knowing where i'll end up in

and this week i had headache since mon-fri, except for tue,
and i always woke up in stress and worry even before my alarm go off, even though it was just a mere less than 6 hour sleep...
why oh why...

A good reminder

When i focus too much on the problem and my own wrongs,
the problem and myself become bigger
and God become smaller
and i become ever more depressed

Lord, bring me through it all once again pls

too late

wrong investment of time and effort

shall i still go ahead and long piak?

network

rmb what the menteri said during one of our recent meetings that it's important to establish contacts with important people worldwide..

been struggling to get extra clinic through proper way...

dropped by clinic a while to let consultant sign a note and happen to see how other ppl do things
- booked pt into clinic which is not allocated to u
- booked pt into clinic under another tutor
how do they overcome the feeling taht u r actually taking away the tutor time from other students as well and how to bother a tutor without him/her feeling being 'bothered'

haih, networking, something that i was never good at and never learnt to be good at, no wonder life is pretty difficult for me right now

19 days

panic attack panic attack

bird shit part II T.T

kena again......

being brought up not to walk under the trees in malaysia in case kena bird shit...
been ok throughout my life until last yr when i kena for the first time, lucky that it didn't kena my flesh but only pants and shoes, but ewwwww, it took me so long to finally made a decision to wash and keep that pair of pants and shoes (that also was after being 'rebuked' by someone that those items were being bought with MONEY)...

today, kena again... omgggg, and i din even walk under any tree, been avoiding trees ever since the first experience.. and i literally saw a bird flying in front of me with sai sai coming out of its butt, such a graphic experience, and by the time it's over, i realsied some splash dots on my pants, small ones but still shit is shit, disgusting >.<

now the pants and socks in plastic bag, hv to make a decision how and when to wash them again, I HATE....

and thru this i understand the concept of risk.. when explaining a disease or the risks of a procedure to patients, this is how it is,

walk under the tree - high risk kena shit
walk under the sky - low risk

but both times, i kena shit.. so risk doesnt influence whether or not it will happen to u @@
to be 100% without risk, go to a bird-less place but where is it?

1st of MAY

Omo omo omo (copying the korean movie tone), April 2012 is gone, for good....

exactly 20 days towards my Part 5 BDS @.@
previously, i would expect myself to know most answers already, and will be focus in my revision already, having completed all clinical requirements, final patient (+backup) treatments and write ups..

but now, looking at myself, despite what encouraging words that tutors or friends gave to final years,
i feel that im incompetent, im definitely better than what i was in the past few years but im not there yet, to be able to practise on my own, to be able to sit for finals with the knowledge and skills that i can take away from this school..

- i havent finished my crown requirements (everythign just seems to take longer and i seem to work so slow)
- i havent finished my final patient (what la with the sudden toothache which require RCT in at least 3 sclerosed canals, 4 if theres an MB2)
- i havent finished my final patient writeup (worse, havent started report for backup final)
- i cant answer alot of questions that i expect myself to know, those basic stuffs
- im not even sure if im really gonna sign up for finals (what's with the provisional sign up thing and the rumour heard from another student that no 5 units by 18th may, no sitting for finals *&^%$£")
- my revision going like snail, revised so much lesser compared to previous finals, WTH this is the most life changing one

looking at my seniors from last few years, i think they were so much greater when they were at this stage *sigh at myself*

20 days, how am i gonna finish what i need to do, i've no idea, but what choice do i hv but to carry on, despite the possible outcomes

hurdles

not sure how im gonna do this
but at this point theres no turning back
so i can only tell myself
"keep calm and keep going"

long dayy

a long and tiring day

am clinic: final case pt suddenly had toothache and have to start RCT now on a sclerosed upper first molar @.@ (so gonna bring in pt with tempo filling during exam).. spent the whole session taking xray-LA-rubber dam-remove massive MOD amalgam-investigate the adjacent tooth and this tooth-tempo dressing this tooth (so basically hvnt started on RCT)...

lunch break: no break at all, spent it in the lab trying to sort out another pt's denture, not finished yet, gonna continue on  Monday (it was a good decision to bring my water bottle in today so i wasnt dehydrated)

pm clinic: a fruitful ortho session, as shared a tutor with another student only, hehe, saw 2 patients on my own and observed 3 others, got to questions as well, but the tutor said he might hv to fail me on the first pt for missing out the main problem (though i mentioend it but i din put much focus on it) and not putting everything tgt (a big bom for someone who has finals in 24 days, dont u think so?), but i told myself, that's cos i dont normally have him, not used to his presenting style, and also his 'no-nonsence' presentation style is so helpful for finals, better be bommed now than later.. despite that, how did i not pay attn to this consultant before???? he's charming, patient, explains things really well, shows no favouritsm, no nonsense when come to case presentation, go straight to the point, wish i have another 10 more sessions with him!!

despite all that, God did send angels during this hard time:
- during am clinic, a fren who was waiting to ask my tutor sth (our groups happen to share a same tutor) helped me to suction, made thigns so much easier for me (cf no nurse/nurse getting in the way of me leftie :P)
- my sweet sweet neighbour/junior/friend cooked me chicken soup, awww
that gv a good ending for today's long long day :)

push yourself/ push for it

stop telling me that if you are not offering me practical help

it's ok

whatever it is..

all i need to do now is think less, focus more

Job 1:21

Reached a stage, when I just feel oddly calm and gv up worrying...

What I had learnt remained true until today, although I have forsaken this knowledge for a while:

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Not trying to take this to cover my own incompetency (surely it's there somewhere at any stage tht has contributed to my struggle today) but no one can doubt, how small and helpless we are, and how sovereign our Creator is. As true as He is sovereign, His love for us is true as well. Time to keep calm and keep going despite everything.

counting down to 28 days

awakened to the panicky feeling before my alarm set off...

time, y i no use u wisely huhu....

wish i hv second chance, but supposed with my sui kuan i wil waste it til last min again aisk

do do

sometimes i reli hate myself >.< for things that i do or do not do

night time

still sitting in front of my computer at such hour due to my 'nap' (which made me woke up at 11pm), blame the inhalational sedation i had this afternoon :P

scenes of clinic (esp with final patient) flashed thru uncontrollably as i read about a particular lecture, keep relating to my pt, praying taht the pulp wont die, those fillings worth replacing, the buidups, etc etc etc...

sometimes, a single wrong decision (generally) leads to many sorrows in many days to come @@
should hv insisted in doing this and that, doing the RIGHT thing... aiskkk

i think i shall not nap til so late again in coming days, so that i sleep earlier and wake up earlier, rather than sitting here trying to read but with random thoughts flying thru my minds @@

p/s: regret for not seeing u just now, now i miss u, aisk aisk

student!!!!

both the lab head tutor and the one in charge of sending work to outsdie lab exclaimed at the same time "student!!!!" when i went back to the lab a few minutes after i left as i realised that I sent in the wrong impression, OMG...
not reli wrong, but the one i sent in was not as good as the one i was intended to send.. not sure how i got it wrong, must be thikning about sth else when i took the impression out of my locker to send it (initially tot i wun need it anymore as already been cast out in house)..

well the point is, it's so good to be a student, huhu, few months left (if i pass everything), and i will hv to leave this comfortable status to a wild wild world out there. any mistake, i will get a letter from the GDC or equivalent, or even got it big from trainer/boss @@

kesian those who hv to teach and work with students, i think we are really irresponsible and careless at times, and didnt really think thru before we made a decision, bad bad...

another incident this morning,
me:"sorry for interrupting ur work, im looking for xxx"
him:"are u really sorry?"
me:"nodded"
him:"no, u r not"
yea, indeed, im only trying to be polite, like how i was taught to..
hipocrit init, but what else should i say? excuse me? isnt that sorry as well?
oh well, used to think that ppl here are quite hipocrit, as they greet u with "are u alrite? how are u?" when they dun really care how u really are. but with times, im becoming like one of them too...oopsie

all the more reason

to study hard now!!!!

was very demotivated before, always nervous and worried..no mood to study and in denial all the time.

today initially tot it would be a bad day when pt called to cancel his appointment one hour before my tutorial which is one n a half hour before my clinic!

my group tutor was emphathetic and supportive and even suggested to talk to a consultant next week regarding this patient so that i dun hv to struggle with time to make another session to see him, awww <3 my fav tutor

was feeling abit down cos potential bridge just flew away, when u desperate even a half unit means alot (or can make up one if can make 2 cantilever to replace one molar??)

and very nervously went to see the tutor in charge of crown sign up, so so scared, like before exam, cold palms and palpitation (literally), and our sign up is this fri, it will be too late if he gonna say anything extreme to me.. but he said he's gonna sign me off provisionally and wanted me to show him my crown card again next month when i see this 2 other patients for crown. fiuhh. reli reli hope nothing will go against plan, and at leaast for now, i can say, i see hope again.

been receiving supports and helps from tutors, frens, coursemates, directly or indirectly. now it's down to me, must get over myself and reli work hard!

"when u say hallelujah, u r rehearsing ur eternal song" - David Cook

a lot of times

i was found and now lost again

feeling that im a lost sheep once again >.<
rescue me, my Shephard

miss

Sometimes i do miss those times with them..
but now, focus on graduating bahhh, still so much to read @.@
totally not motivated...
since when i got myself into this messy life sigh

fav song

was once my fav when i first heard it in CMC Banting, and now when i hear it again, still love it as much!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7asEdmZsSPo&feature=related

let the battle begin

48 days left, not much revision done or ongoing, not sure if im able to sign up..
but now that i think it thru, i will regret if i dun work hard now, at least to try to revise, what if i reli manage to sign up despite not having enough crown, but becasue i hv 'no mood' to study that i failed my exam, so nono mustnt let that happen!

work hard

"you will be fine if you work hard"

but the thing is, i've no motivation, no fighting spirit, no mood whatsover to work hard now @.@

but then again, deadline is deadline, shall go check if any consultant around to help me out now..

pre exam

Panic attack every morning i woke up, esp if i hv clinic on that day, but still, im not doing anything actively to change that, *slap*

British jokes and me

Scenario one: I was handing the new dentures to my patient.
Patient:"do we get insurance for our dentures?"
Me (feeling on guard wondering what's coming up as he is one of those difficult grumpy patients):"err, no, i don't think so, why?"
Patient:" cos i wanna bring it (somewhere i cant rmb) to put it on (someone i dun rmb)'s statue!"
and patient went ROFLHAO while i =.=" and ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahaha*fake laugh*

Scenario two: Tutor was checking the articulation (movement of teeth against each other) and I was handing out the GHM (a type of articulating paper which is 20 micron thick) to her in a cross infection control manner
Tutor: " u know the new thing they said now is that u don't have to wear gloves anymore, u just need to wash ur hands for like 10 times."
Me: (surprised and look at her as well as a 2nd yr who's shadowing me)" really???"
the 2nd yr just shaked his head or shrugged
and i continue "when isit gonna be implemented?"
A groupmate who was waiting for the tutor to see his pt tapped my shoulder sympathetically and said "it's a joke :) " *placed a smiley there as he was literally looking like tht *
T.T so sweat with myself

i think i only understand geli and kan xin joke, i dun understand proper joke like this huhuhu

working hard?

Dr S:"u working hard?"
Me:"hope so!"

felt weird answering like this, but it's true, i really wish that right now im working hard.. but haih, stil hvnt started revision properly, still hvnt got the assurance that im defo sitting for finals, still got so much to do for sign up... how to work hard? *demotivated*

Good old time

Realsied that i do miss IGG alot after bumped into J who was in the same group as me for the last 2 years.. Unfortunately due to many reasons, I cant go back there anymore :(

decision

uncertainties over uncertainties over uncertainties

yet to make an important decision

this gonna be my fav website for a while

http://www.thephantomoftheopera.com/sights-sounds/videos

a msg to self

有时候想回过去
会因为该捉做的没做 或是做得不够而后悔

但时光一逝永不回
只能赠给自己一句话

”往者不可谏，来着犹可追“

neglect

so absorbed in my own problem and stress that i neglect the ppl around me *bad*

consuming

This familiar feeling, i feel it once again, after all these while, i tot i hv changed, i tot v hv changed, yet it feels so familiar..perhaps it's been rooted much deeper than i tot when it first happened..

why do i hv to care so much?? why do i hv to feel that im responsible??
why do u hv to be everywhere??

whatever, i hv enuf worries in my mind, i shall shut u off

nightmare

Last week was the official start of my nightmare.
2 weeks of SSC (student selected component) which was pretty relaxing has passed, and we were back on clinic for good, no more break, no more fooling around, it's real.

Last Tue marked the trigger point of my panic attack when the head tutor who happened to cover my group extra session, questioned me about my progress in crown/bridge requirement. I did 0, note: big zero. Despite myself attending every clinical sessions, booked in patients for every sessions. Never skipped any session during my outreach. Somehow, I still did 0. He questioned me what im gonna do and he can foresee ppl not signing up for finals. T.T

Wed, we had a lecture on finals exams, clinical requirements and in course assessment. Another panic attack session. Sign up date is earlier than i tot since our finals is being brought forward 2 weeks. Gosh, so dead.

Thurs, we had a lecture with our dean, and she went through some oral medicine (since shes the ultimate expert, in tertiary dentistry, in that field)slides and topics with us.. omg, can ans only 10%, maximum, great, stress with clinics, stress with revision.

Friday, didnt manage to obturate the 4 canals i treated, another session needed, OMG..

Was in so much stress last week that I kept saying to myself tht im not gonna make it, that i hv to even think about failing without sitting for exam, just becasue i cant finish my clinical requirement :(

Why did all these happen? not requirement driven enough? not setting my goals rite? too lazy to care and plan properly from the start???

wats the use of thkning of all these now???

my kind and helpful grp rep manage to calm me down last week n gv me an action plan. i felt better after talking to him.

now a new week begins, also marks that Feb is coming to an end, and im a step closer to deadline but stil far away from finishing.

stressed stressed...

each of us is meant to get a letter from the head tutor starting from this week. I dreaded the moment when i receive and open the letter later. i fear that it might quench the fighting power in me, which has not much left in me for a start....

p/s: i need someone who is aware and in control of my situation to tell me "it's ok, there is still hope"

来时的路

看见窗外的雪花纷飞，心里感到莫名的失落，时间真的没剩下多少了

Prayer answered :)

God is good - Don Moen

Chorus:
God is good all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night, His light will shine
God is good, God is good all the time
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/don_moen/god_is_good_all_the_time.html ]
If you're walking through the valley
And there are shadows all around
Do not fear, He will guide you
He will keep you safe and sound
'Cause He's promised to never leave you
Nor forsake you and His Word is true

Chorus

We were sinners - so unworthy
Still for us He chose to die
Filled us with His Holy Spirit
Now we can stand and testify
That His love is everlasting
And His mercies - they will never end

Chorus

Lord I may not understand
All the plans He left for me
My life is in your hands
And through the eyes of Him I can clearly see

Chorus

Amen

May God bless you and keep you safe

即将结束的一月

总觉得人越大，时间就过得越快，真是岁月不饶人啊！
已经是凌晨一时许，我独自一人静静的听着步步惊心的歌，一面感慨， 一面玩着面书的游戏，不愿让今天又那么的结束。
好怀念中学时期，知道自己有的是时间，人生也有那么多的梦想可以实现。
如今，能做的还未完成，不能做的很多已成定局。
曾经我的人生是充满盼望的，对未来也没有什么害怕的事，
如今一切都要为自己的决定负责， 哀哉！

true care

you know someone really cared for you when they are more concerned about your feeling than what u actually did :):):)

p/s: sleepy, yet to update blog since new yr, still reading blogs but lazy to update hoho