last

last viva ever (well formally as a bds student and not counting resit, SAY NO TO RESIT)

felt that i didnt do very well for the last viva,
and i got the specialty i feared most,
but after listening to the others about theirs,
i think i've got the best for me,
don't think i could do any better in the other specialty/scenario,
so thank God for this provision,
and let Your will be done on Friday..

p/s: tired but bu she de sleep lol

blessed

not sure how my first viva went (seen case)

ive done things that i think i should hv
and also done things that i think i shouldnt hv
and said the lamest thing

but so blessed to hv a good patient! he was there already waiting this morning when i arrive! and he got there 10 min earlier than the time i gv him to make sure that he's there! aww
thank God too for all these!

不舍得

one paper down, 2 more case presentations and vivas coming,
but suddenly, feel that i'm gonna miss this place and this life oredi

help me through these all

Proverbs 3:5-6 'Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths"

Philippians 4:6-7 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'
应当一无挂虑，只要凡事藉着祷告、祈求和感谢，将你们所要的告诉神。神所赐出人意外的平安，必在基督耶稣里保守你们的心怀意念。（腓立比书4：6-7）

The first quote was the one that had comforted me during my past big exams years ago.
and the second one was an encouraging msg that my 2 sis in Christ reminded me yesterday and today.

I've been slacking spiritually especially since this year, too absorbed in my worldly encounters, too focused on my worldly problem and the changes in myself (mostly bad ones), that I forgot to look up and realised that despite many difficulties many changes, the Creator, my Abba Father, whom I once trusted so much, remains the same.

I know I failed to trust God with all my heart, and I always seek to understand things my own way, I know I'm a person full of worries, worrying more than praying, I know currently I'm pretty dead in my situation, not confident at all for tmr and for next week, knowing how little I prepared and how little I rmb, spending most of the time feeling stressed and tired about clinical problems etc..
But one thing I also know, the same God who took care of me and made me sailed thru ever since I started schooling remain the same sovereign God who sit highly on the throne above, exalted above all things.

I'm not sure how tmr will come about and I'm not sure how I will perform next week, and I will defo be nervous beyond understanding on June 1st.
But right now I can only call out to You, rest in You and let Your will be done. Amen.

24 hours

gaaaaaaaaaa.
yesterday was a waste, stress and fear and uncertainty struck me leaving me dysfunctional and unproductive, oni  manage to read up a few pages @@ thinking of what i did not do nor did not rmb instead of charging forward, BAD...

keep reminding myself ythat today i must calm down, calm down, too late to stress too late to change anything, but at least do sth..

this was me yesterday:

morning

hate this feeling, when u open ur eyes in the morning, and u realise that the alarm hasn't gone off, and all you are thinking about is ur final patient @@

anu

7 yrs of comfortable and straight path (very clear and straight forward path to walk)
i used to know my life purpose (not dentistry of cos)
i knew what my short term aim was (to finish ib, to get a place in the uk uni, to grad and be a dentist)

somehow after being so sure for so long, i suddenly arrived at a junction, a junction of unknown, no one to be blamed, it was me who cari pasal..
- not knowing if i can pass my exams
- not knowing if i should just go back or fight for my very last strength to stay
- not knowing if to stay or to go back is the best for me
- not knowing this and that...

feel so lost suddenly...
and i dislike change...
esp if ive got so used to this current change now...

perhaps i should just make my decision based on morally upright and godly way, then life wil be so much easier.. should i?

6 days

mixed feelings

but one can only move on

one must be strong

to survive in my dental school....

today extra session:
- so many students but only a few tutors seen! terpaksa go to one that is famous for her favouritism since the others not around yet (well, she passed me on to another as she needs to stay with her own group, fair enough)
- tried in the crown, still high @@
- disinfect 10 min (but a kind nurse J helped me to do 6PPC instead, at least saved some time while waiting for disinfection)
- went to the lab (mrs B very kindly lead me to the boss of the crown and bridge lab, that reli saved me alot of trouble, and he said to go to the 'boys' next door for polishing work after i tried and adjusted chairside)
- before i can start adjusting, i had to get the Iwanson gauge from the store, and none of them know what it is @@ so I hv to drew it on a paper, spelt out the name and then describe what it is for - actually they dun reli know the name jsut call it divider then =.=
-  adjust abit, yay finally it fits, although stil a fraction higher but polishing shall do the work for me
- disinfect again n 6ppc
- went back to the lab, apparently i think A hates me, when i asked for his help, he said 'no' and asked me to go to C and went to another tutor, at least C's kind enough to refer me to another room, but it's still a 'no', so ended up in the crown and bridge room and the guy J directed me to the machine, and showed me the two stones, ROSA and ROUGE, apparently they are latin words, meaning pink and errr cant rmb, and then asked me to read the instruction on the wall and do it myself, i was arrgghh panicky, oredi 4pm! oh well, conclusion is i ended up polishing the crown on my own and i think i did a pretty good job (still thank to guy J i appreciate waht he's trying to teach me).. tip is: rubber all the way!! of cos the two stone-like objects as well, and the steam wash lol nearly burned my finger the second time forgetting that steam is hot
- back to clinic again and gonna cement it and omg cant find aquacem!! finally a nurse found it and mixed it for me, one whole floor and there's only one aquacem, i wana faint
- cemented and all is well
- went to let tutor check, and he siad what do u think do u like it u know u hv to be more confident....................................... lalalalaa, i know i did what i can, but i hvnt qualified, whats with the confidence thing, i stil need someone to check my work and then tell me it's fine then i can be confident!
- 15 mins left, quickly hand scale my patient's tooth, jsut tht particular front one tht bleed quite a bit and with obvious calculus (cant stand seeing calculus, always feel like scraping them away)
- the pooofff pt gone
- the only reassuring thing is the head tutor said he signed me up although i stil hv to do that 2 more crowns, but at least, i jsut try to do as much during extra clinic and wori about it after exam then
- oh and they ran out of slow handpiece and pros trim stand today,pooohhh what happened to here, and C very kindly reserve hers for me but she ended up needing it but at least she reli reserved it for me

11 days

when the others know what i dont, i will feel as if i dunno anything and will question myself what i've been doing all this while >.<

Disappointing but nvr too late to change ur mind

i hate myself

wish i hv higher EQ and IQ

2 weeks

and im dying @@

not sure what did i do before to put myself into today's situation >.< blame the stress, the clinics, the coursework......
so much to revise so much to do still OMG
the only reassurance i can find for myself, read as much as possible, by the time u reach finals, u might hv revised 50% adn if not enough and failed at least by resit u can read another 25-50% (cos it's only about 2 weeks apart) ...
aiskkk

职业病

feel like an old lady, getting aches everywhere
- headache
- neck pain
- upper back pain

and i hvnt even completed my training and havent even started working...
cant imagin how it will be when i work 8/9-5 in the future

stresssssss

aisk  very very stressed @.@
how did i let myself into this situation at such crucial moment?

revised so little for such an important exam
always stressed about not finishing requirements and final patients their reports
always feel tired after a long day at clinic/lab
cant focus in what im reading and keep forgetting what ive read already
not knowing where i'll end up in

and this week i had headache since mon-fri, except for tue,
and i always woke up in stress and worry even before my alarm go off, even though it was just a mere less than 6 hour sleep...
why oh why...

A good reminder

When i focus too much on the problem and my own wrongs,
the problem and myself become bigger
and God become smaller
and i become ever more depressed

Lord, bring me through it all once again pls

too late

wrong investment of time and effort

shall i still go ahead and long piak?

network

rmb what the menteri said during one of our recent meetings that it's important to establish contacts with important people worldwide..

been struggling to get extra clinic through proper way...

dropped by clinic a while to let consultant sign a note and happen to see how other ppl do things
- booked pt into clinic which is not allocated to u
- booked pt into clinic under another tutor
how do they overcome the feeling taht u r actually taking away the tutor time from other students as well and how to bother a tutor without him/her feeling being 'bothered'

haih, networking, something that i was never good at and never learnt to be good at, no wonder life is pretty difficult for me right now

19 days

panic attack panic attack

bird shit part II T.T

kena again......

being brought up not to walk under the trees in malaysia in case kena bird shit...
been ok throughout my life until last yr when i kena for the first time, lucky that it didn't kena my flesh but only pants and shoes, but ewwwww, it took me so long to finally made a decision to wash and keep that pair of pants and shoes (that also was after being 'rebuked' by someone that those items were being bought with MONEY)...

today, kena again... omgggg, and i din even walk under any tree, been avoiding trees ever since the first experience.. and i literally saw a bird flying in front of me with sai sai coming out of its butt, such a graphic experience, and by the time it's over, i realsied some splash dots on my pants, small ones but still shit is shit, disgusting >.<

now the pants and socks in plastic bag, hv to make a decision how and when to wash them again, I HATE....

and thru this i understand the concept of risk.. when explaining a disease or the risks of a procedure to patients, this is how it is,

walk under the tree - high risk kena shit
walk under the sky - low risk

but both times, i kena shit.. so risk doesnt influence whether or not it will happen to u @@
to be 100% without risk, go to a bird-less place but where is it?

1st of MAY

Omo omo omo (copying the korean movie tone), April 2012 is gone, for good....

exactly 20 days towards my Part 5 BDS @.@
previously, i would expect myself to know most answers already, and will be focus in my revision already, having completed all clinical requirements, final patient (+backup) treatments and write ups..

but now, looking at myself, despite what encouraging words that tutors or friends gave to final years,
i feel that im incompetent, im definitely better than what i was in the past few years but im not there yet, to be able to practise on my own, to be able to sit for finals with the knowledge and skills that i can take away from this school..

- i havent finished my crown requirements (everythign just seems to take longer and i seem to work so slow)
- i havent finished my final patient (what la with the sudden toothache which require RCT in at least 3 sclerosed canals, 4 if theres an MB2)
- i havent finished my final patient writeup (worse, havent started report for backup final)
- i cant answer alot of questions that i expect myself to know, those basic stuffs
- im not even sure if im really gonna sign up for finals (what's with the provisional sign up thing and the rumour heard from another student that no 5 units by 18th may, no sitting for finals *&^%$£")
- my revision going like snail, revised so much lesser compared to previous finals, WTH this is the most life changing one

looking at my seniors from last few years, i think they were so much greater when they were at this stage *sigh at myself*

20 days, how am i gonna finish what i need to do, i've no idea, but what choice do i hv but to carry on, despite the possible outcomes